I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
