i can't believe i had my finger in that
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
