My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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