I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
