Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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