And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
