tell your sister to shave her snatch
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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