i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
