if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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