i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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