I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
