Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
