Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
