Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
