my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
