either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You smell like a Billy Joel song
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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