I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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