I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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