Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
