she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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