So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
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Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between