Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
