After last night, I could never be a politician.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children