new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
