I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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