im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
