thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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