So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
