Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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