I just pynch a tree in the face
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
