matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
