were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
