i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
