The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
