pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's the barista slut.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
