Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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