i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
