Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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