i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize