the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
