apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
