sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
