I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
