my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we made out on top of his cat.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
