Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
