did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
