Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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