Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Enjoy the penises
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
