im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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