First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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