after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
