I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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