the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
