I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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