I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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