ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
