Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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