He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
