you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
