he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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