I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
