You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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