Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
